Does anyone else feel like they want to hurl after they pay bills, because I do? *Mrs. Doherty momentarily leaves the computer and fetches herself a Guinness to soothe the pain* I try my best to save money anywhere I can and lord knows my hubby busts his ass at work but it’s never good enough. No matter how high your salary goes, it’s never enough.
Look, I don’t want to be rich. Ok, that’s a lie. But it IS true that I don’t need money to make me happy. I’m broke as a mofo but I smile everyday. True statement. Annoying to the miserable pessimists in my life, but true. No matter which way you slice it, a family of 6 is expensive! It’s always something! (Now I sound like my parents). Expenses ooze through my life at the most unexpected, pain in the ass, times. You never know when you may lose money on real estate, have a sick child, need to replace the furnace, lose your job, discover that your home was attacked by termites or have an accident. You get the point. These are not planned events. They just happen. I’m sure some of you are totally prepared for these stupid surprises that piss the rest of us off. Good for you. I’ll tell you what? You buy the next round at the bar, okay? As for the rest of you, listen up. I have listed below 3 reasons to smile, when your bank account frowns.
#1 Celebrate Your Honesty and Generosity
I know everyone has their own financial story. I get it. But I don’t get how it always has to be a secret. Nobody is honest about their income…..NOBODY! I wish all people would stop being fake. The rich act like they are poor and the poor act like they are rich. And the people who really don’t want to talk about their money(credit card warriors) call themselves “the middle class”. What does that mean anyway? Middle class? Middle of what? To me, middle-class means that sometimes you’re up and sometimes you’re down. Kinda like Vegas?
Doesn’t it always seem that the cheapest bastards have the biggest bank accounts and the most generous people are poor. Since most of my friends are extremely generous, I can assume that they too are broke. Broke and poor yet, they still find the kindness to give to others. Cheers to THAT people! Honesty and generosity. By the way, please don’t tell that nasty mean lady I saw on Oprah about me. What’s her name? Suzie the downer? Have you ever seen her in action? She can depress a room full of normal people in less than 5 minutes. Geez…Suz! We are in a recession, ya know? Maybe some of us have simply had a bad case of shitty ass Irish luck.
She would never, ever let me order another coffee from Dunkin Donuts. I would have to kiss cable goodbye. She would probably have my hubby giving me haircuts…..
I can imagine the wrath now. I have completely made up the following conversation in my head. I am confident that I would be like a raw piece of meat in her cage. “These are luxuries Mrs. Doherty!” “I know Suzie but I NEED them. (awkward pause) “Ummm?…my kids are happier people when I have coffee?” (pointing in my face, breathing like a bull through her nostrils) “Your kids won’t have food on the table if you keep ordering coffee” “How bout alcohol? Am I allowed to have alcohol? Please? I’ll be in therapy without it. Therapy sounds way more expensive than a beer?” Yeah? Please…keep her away from me. Now where was I?
#2 Take a bow when you make an effort
Let’s face it, we could all live a more simple life and spend less money if we really made an effort. You gotta at least try, right? I recently made a huge effort. I have watched where every dime goes and I swear to you, I am having trouble figuring out where to cut spending. I’m not a brand snob. I buy clothing at Target and I plan my dinner around the sale items at the grocery store. Where do I cut? I downloaded a handy dandy iphone app called Mint.com. It’s an app that links up with your bank account and helps form a budget and trend spending habits. I liked this app at first because I felt proud that I was progressing in the right direction. But now….now I hate it. I yell at that stupid app everyday. It sends me alerts when I overspend? I don’t know about you but I think that’s a little ballsy of Mr. Mint, right? Yeah? I know what I spent! I don’t need 50 reminders. I’m not living in the lap of luxury here. Please don’t alert me when I pay the oil bill. LARGE BILL HAS BEEN PAID! I can’t control the price of oil. c’mon? Anyway, these alerts are incredibly annoying. Last month I got a slap on the wrist for going out to eat too much, so I cut back. I really cut back. I went nowhere. I stayed at home. I resisted temptation and I planned meals and I cooked.
I cooked through babies crying, kids arguing and toddlers begging to “help”. I couldn’t wait to make a change. I wanted to see my dining out expenses drop. Guess what? My dining out expenses dropped a LOT but Mint.com was not happy with my effort. In fact, I can safely say that they were actually disappointed??? This time they bombarded me with alerts telling me I have overspent on groceries. Listen Ass-HOLE! We have to eat? Anybody who cooks will tell you that it’s expensive to eat healthy. Welcome to America! There are no coupons for broccoli and carrots? I don’t know what to say except, I tried. I made an effort.
#3: Embrace the Humbling Moments with A Pasta Dinner
To make a long story short. Last night I paid the bills. I did not dine out and I did not grocery shop. I found things in the pantry to eat. Ha ha! Take THAT Mint.com! It’s pasta night. Pasta (89 cents) and marinara ($2.79). You can’t see me right now but I am doing the “running-man”. It’s a dance that I do when I feel like I have conquered the world. I look hot, don’t be jealous! I’m doing the running-man for pasta night, baby! Pasta is good! Pasta means the bills are paid! Let’s celebrate and embrace the pasta people!
“Chew slowly children. There will be no seconds tonight.” Cheers to #3..life and the humbling moments she puts before us! I think everyone has a pasta night. Maybe not? Whatever.