It is no secret that I am counting down the days until school starts (8). But anyone who knows me, knows that summer is my favorite season. Besides going to the beach, having no schedule and playing outside all day, I have a couple of completely mature (cough) games that I like to play. These games are not the normal rainy day board games. No…I am not talking about Candy Land and Monopoly (I would rather poke a dagger in my eye). These are “bored” games. You know…the games that originate on long summer days when I am bored out of my freakin skull . In my opinion, they are much more fun. Some are adult games, like a little game I play with my sister called “Smack that Ass” and some are more kid friendly, like “Holy Crap!. You just scared the shit out of me.” I make up the rules and alter the rules as needed so that I always win [What? Don’t roll your eyes at me. Like you wouldn’t?]. They may send the ones I love into therapy later in life but today they help get me through the day. If you are a mature adult….I am giving you fair warning. Go away…just stop reading now and go log onto CNN or something? If you want to waste a few minutes of your life, keep reading.
Let’s start with the first game, “Smack that Ass”. This one started while we were at our beach rental this summer. My sister, Kimmy, was minding her own business. She was looking all cute with her sun kissed skin and her silk-like dress that hugged her perfect siloutte. She looked beautiful and happy just like a newlywed should…it annoyed me. Then I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I ask you all. What is hotter than a gut hanging over the waistline of some stretched out yoga pants, frazzled hair tied up in a messy ponytail and eyes with huge black circles that never sleep? The answer is nothing. Nothing is sexier (I tried to convince myself but it wasn’t working). Then I looked at her again. I remember when I looked cute in a sundress, 3 kids ago. Now I just look frumpy. My agitaion grew. It’s not fair. My kids did this to me and I totally NEEDED that quarter pounder the other day. Then I thought evil jealous thoughts…”you just wait until another baby stretches you to hell, you skinny little bitch.” There she was…bent over… loading the dishwasher… looking all Kim Kardashian-like. (Grrrrr)
And….Well?… I couldn’t help it…it was an instinct. I swear. My hand reached up over my shoulder and came down hard.. right..on..the…bulls-eye. WHACK! I took all my jealousy out on her perfect tight booty. I slapped her ass so hard it stung my hand. She shot up like a soldier standing at attention.
For the next 30 seconds, she went through the 5 stages of ass smacking humility and I watched wondering which emotion would determine my fate. Completely in shock at first, then in pain, then pissed off and finally she laughed and cried a little at the same time . “What the hell???” She questioned my random act of sisterly evilness. “Um…sorry? It was so delicious and perfect…I needed to ruin it!” She looked at me like I had 2 heads. [I was full of nervous giggles] Then she rubbed the sting out of her booty and made her desire for revenge very clear. “You don’t know who you’re messing with sister! You are dead meat! I WILL get you back.” And with that… it was born. The game that would continue for the entire week. The game that would keep us both on edge if we were bent over for anything. A game I like to call “Smack that Ass”. Oh, she got me good a few times but I think she would agree that I won. Yes, I do believe I kicked her ass. Mostly because I’m awesome (ass smacking is a talent you know) but partly because I had more resentment towards her perfect body and more weight behind my smack downs. Maybe next year Sis…maybe next year.
The next game has become a favorite at our home. The children call this game “Boo” (freaking geniuses) and I call it “Holy crap! You just scared the shit out of me!” (way more intelligent). It sounds so simple doesn’t it? I know there are some of you reading saying “Yeah, yeah…we have all done that. What’s the big deal?” The big deal is that we have taken it to a new level, the Ellen DeGeneres level of scare. Yeah? I donno why? I totally think scaring the shit out of someone is one of the funniest things ever! I have always loved to freak people out. As a nurse, I loved to hide in the med room and wait for my vulnerable coworkers. It was so quiet in there and everyone always assumed they were alone. Dispensing medication is such a serious moment for a nurse. The perfect storm for a good scare. Since I have no life or job I have pushed my source of entertainment onto my small children. Undoubtedly, it has made the summer more enjoyable.
It started one day when Flynn was being a nudge. He was so grouchy and he had no reason to be. He was born grouchy. It makes me laugh. It’s comical really. Seriously? You are a little kid and you have everything handed to you. You have a damn good life. Smile. Please. Nobody wants to look at that scowl on your face. I tried the standard tickle until it hurts but it just didn’t have the same effect as it did when he was a pudgy 2-year-old. I was sick and tired of his attitude so…I came up with a fabulous parental remedy (evil laugh). I will scare him! I will scare the grouchy right out of his little moody ass. I was on a mission. Flynn is predictable. Predictable behaviors make the “Boo” set up
easy very easy. He had his morning hot coco and he was in room getting dressed. All that coco causes him to pee…mommy knows! Ha ha! His next stop would be the bathroom. I planted myself behind the shower curtain and waited. As predicted he came in. He peed. I heard the water turn on. He washed his hands (A proud mom moment. Good boy.) Then I heard him get off the step stool. I got ready. Even my heart was racing. The moment had arrived. I had one hand on the curtain and whamo!!! I whipped the curtain back and screamed my loudest “Rahhhhhhhh!” He was absolutely petrified. He went all Home Alone on me and damn near had a heart attack.
I laughed so hard that I almost immediately felt guilty and I wrapped my arms around him to calm him down. After his initial shock he got angry “Mommy (Now 8, he reverted back to his toddler name for me) I had no idea you were there.” I laughed harder. “I know. I was trying to scare you.” In disbelief, he could not understand why I was laughing when his insides felt so terrible. “I hate that feeling! Why did you do that to me?” and he actually threw a punch at me. “Whooooao! Settle down. You need to relax.” I wrapped my arms around him but I couldn’t help it. I was still laughing. Not out loud. I’m not that mean (wink wink). The whole scene replayed in my head and I could not physically control myself. I was laughing so hard I was shaking. “It’s not funny mom?” “Come here buddy.” I kissed him on the cheek and he blushed. (yeah…he still loves me despite my silly antics.) “I’m sorry I scared you but maybe you can try to maybe not be so grouchy?? What do ya think?” “Mooooom?” Aggravated, he tried to pull away. I pulled him close to me and hugged him again. “You ok?” It wasn’t meant to ruin his whole day, geez. “Yes” he answered sweetly as he gave me a half hug back. And then..something magical happened. Wait for it….wait for it….A SMILE! Laughing harder now. “I love you buddy! Thank you for the smile!” He walked away and down the hall and turned around to look at me one more time “You got me good mom.” This caused a belly laugh from me… “Yes..I got you good. Now chill out. There really is NO reason for you to be grouchy the moment you wake up.” Then I hear him from the playroom and he yells upstairs. “Ok mom but I might get you too. You just wait.”
And so…Flynn spread the word to his sisters and they teamed up on me this summer. Lame at first. I could hear them giggling and breathing heavy in their hiding spots and foot steps approaching behind me. But now..they have up’d their game, making me proud. Sneaking out of bed when I least expect it, hiding in the closet where I keep the vacuum, burying themselves under a heap of laundry. They are like rodents lurking in every corner waiting to pounce. There is not a safe spot or time of day in this house. They have learned from the master and it has made for a very fun summer.
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