Anyone who knows me, knows that I don’t do dirty children. One of my favorite moments everyday is giving my kids a bath. It’s the one time of day that they all smell good and it is a great way for them to relax before bedtime. I check them out from head to toe for new scrapes and bruises, wash their hair and make sure they brush their teeth. Yesterday, my worst nightmare happened. I was hugging my 4-year-old and a bug crawled across the top of her head. She was playing outside and our house is surrounded by the woods so I didn’t think too much about it. I quickly grabbed it and wiped it on a pice of toilet paper to flush it down the toilet and just before I flushed it away I took a good look at it. This is when my heart sank. Oh no! It’s lice!!!!!!!!!!!!! Immediately I began itching. You are probably itching reading this.
To make matters worse, my college roommate, Jodi, is in town visiting for the first time in years. I mean….is there anything that says “welcome to my home” better than a nasty case of head lice? I think NOT. Just after I flushed my first critter, I fled my home and headed to Walgreens to buy supplies. This meant war. As soon as I returned I began the process. First, I stripped all beds and washed them on the hottest cycle and dried them on HOT. “Burn mother effers burn!” Then I took every brush and comb in the house and threw them in a boiling pot of water. Can you hear the sizzle? I bagged all the throw pillows in a plastic trash bag to suffocate them, and washed the couch slip cover. “Oh what’s the matter little licey??? Are you having trouble breathing?” [evil laugh] Where does it end?
Then, one by one I gave each kid a flea bath and meticulously combed the nits out of their hair. I totally felt like I was one of those monkeys grooming their mate on Animal planet.
One nit is all it takes to repeat the whole process. I have to admit, the thought crossed my mind…can I just shave them all bald and call it a Sinead O’Connor summer?
Late last night, Jodi and I were exhausted. Of course, Maggie was awake but the other 5 were asleep. We were sprawled out on the couch like we had been tortured. Honestly, kids infested with bugs while I have a house guest is a form of torture. Why me? Why? I try to be a good person. Seriously? I feel bad for her. She paid money to come to my house? The nail in the coffin was Maggie was toddling around us and then all of a sudden she started rubbing and smacking her hair. She was obviously irritated and started head banging violently like she too had bugs? WTF? I checked her head and there was nothing but we had to laugh. Even the baby was skeeved out. Sorry Mags! You were born into the chaos. You can’t write a book on this stuff (but a blog works).
Everybody has been deloused and sterilized and I am like a solider who hasn’t slept in a week swatting at anything that remotely looks like a bug. Although I have checked my own head at least a thousand times and I have not found 1 nit or lice…I can’t stop itching. As soon as I finish sterilizing this house and Jodi pops a wheelie out of my driveway to the airport…I will begin packing for my 13 hour road trip. Yes…you heard that right…. 13 hours in the car as a solo parent..tomorow. I am insane and this little Itchy blog is just another fine example of the motto at our home and at Doherty’s pub “Where despair is celebrated and lives are ruined! ” Enjoy your weekend…I know I will.