Anyone who knows me, knows that I don’t do dirty children.  One of my favorite moments everyday is giving my kids a bath.  It’s the one time of day that they all smell good and it is a great way for them to relax before bedtime.  I check them out from head to toe for new scrapes and bruises, wash their hair and make sure they brush their teeth.  Yesterday, my worst nightmare happened.    I was hugging my 4-year-old and a bug crawled across the top of her head.  She was playing  outside and our house is surrounded by the woods so I didn’t think too much about it.  I quickly grabbed it and wiped it on a pice of toilet paper to flush it down the toilet and just before I flushed it away I took a good look at it.  This is when my heart sank.  Oh no!  It’s lice!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Immediately I began itching.  You are probably itching reading this.

To make matters worse, my college roommate, Jodi,  is in town visiting for the first time in years.  I mean….is there anything that says “welcome to my home” better than a nasty case of head lice?  I think NOT.  Just after I flushed my first critter, I fled my home and headed to Walgreens to buy supplies.  This meant war.  As soon as I returned I began the process.  First, I stripped all beds and washed them on the hottest cycle and dried them on HOT.  “Burn mother effers burn!”  Then I took every brush and comb in the house and threw them in a boiling pot of water.  Can you hear the sizzle?  I bagged all the throw pillows in a plastic trash bag to suffocate them, and washed the couch slip cover. “Oh what’s the matter little licey???   Are you having trouble breathing?” [evil laugh]   Where does it end?

Then, one by one I gave each kid a flea bath and meticulously combed the nits out of their hair.  I totally felt like I was one of those monkeys grooming their mate on Animal planet.

“Now don’t move a muscle…I see one.”

One nit is all it takes to repeat the whole process.  I have to admit, the thought crossed my mind…can I just shave them all bald and call it a Sinead O’Connor summer?

I bet she never got lice

Late last night, Jodi and I were exhausted.  Of course, Maggie was awake but the other 5 were asleep.  We were sprawled out on the couch like we had been tortured.  Honestly, kids infested with bugs while I have a house guest is a form of torture.  Why me?  Why?  I try to be a good person.  Seriously?  I feel bad for her.  She paid money to come to my house?  The nail in the coffin was Maggie was toddling around us and then all of a sudden she started rubbing and smacking her hair. She was obviously irritated and started head banging violently like she too had bugs?  WTF?  I checked her head and there was nothing but we had to laugh.  Even the baby was skeeved out.  Sorry Mags!  You were born into the chaos.  You can’t write a book on this stuff (but a blog works).

Everybody has been deloused and sterilized and I am like a solider who hasn’t slept in a week swatting at anything that remotely looks like a bug.  Although I have checked my own head at least a thousand times and  I have not found 1 nit or lice…I can’t stop itching. As soon as I finish sterilizing this house and Jodi pops a wheelie out of my driveway to the airport…I will begin packing for my 13 hour road trip.  Yes…you heard that right…. 13 hours in the car as a solo parent..tomorow.  I am insane and this little Itchy blog is just another fine example of the motto at our home and at Doherty’s pub “Where despair is celebrated and  lives are ruined! ”  Enjoy your weekend…I know I will.


7 thoughts on “Itchy

  1. On a serious note, you do know that you HAVE to go through their heads every day with a fine tooth comb till you retreat them and then still check for a few after that. I speak from experience!!

  2. Been there got that shirt…the bugs LOVE clean hair,,, ( I am itching just typing this)..just ask Jessie about the Mayo treatment!!

  3. This just in!!!!!! We have no running water! The sprinkler guy “fixed” our sprinkler system and now I have no mother effin running water. kill me…please!

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