I like to play fruit ninja. If you have no idea what fruit ninja is then it is clear that you have a life. All you need to know is that it is a mindless game. You slice fruit as it flies across the iPhone screen. Strangely addicting. Usually I zone out. I sometimes imagine my stomach muscles coming across the screen. Each slice represents another c-section. My OB is my ninja. First a kiwi, then an orange, then a pineapple and that fourth one was a watermelon. In 7 years I had 4 pregnancies….all c-sections. Ladies and gentlemen…that is a lot of expanding/relaxing and slicing/dicing. My body has been stretched like a favorite pair of jeans fresh out of the dryer. I can no longer tighten anything. I would totally be ok with all of that if I didn’t have to deal with the questions. It’s not so bad in the winter because wearing layers helps…a lot! Yesterday we had a beautiful warm spring day in New England and I… like so many others felt the need to dip into my summer wardrobe. Huge mistake.
I found one of my favorite t-shirts. Hello there “blue guy”. Sometimes I talk to my clothes. Don’t tell anyone. I haven’t worn you in 2 years but you are still my favorite. No tags to itch my neck, the perfect length and the perfect weight, not too tight…not too loose. I love the blue guy. I introduced him to my new curvaceous body. I looked in the mirror and it certainly wasn’t a perfect sight but it was acceptable. I did my usual housework and then I decided that the day was too beautiful to be inside so I went outside and piddled. I pulled some weeds and picked up some sticks. Then I decided to just sit on the deck and let the sun soak into my skin. Ahhhhh…it was a perfect day. I dreamed about healthy things I could cook for dinner. Oh? Don’t get me wrong? I love a pepperoni pizza or a juicy burger but it wasn’t one of those greasy food days. Beautiful weather always makes me feel like I should eat healthy. I scanned through pinterest and some of my recipe apps on my iPhone and I finally came up with a Thai chicken wrap recipe that I was excited to create. I made a list of my ingredients and then headed to the grocery store…alone. Something has happened to me and I now consider a solo trip to the grocery store somewhat of a spa treatment. I can listen to loud music in the car, browse the aisles, talk on my phone and read ingredients. A little slice of heaven if you will.
I didn’t want my grocery shopping to take all day so I went to the “fancy” grocery store only about a mile from my house. They have all kinds of gourmet foods, a butcher, a bakery and an awesome deli. They have regular groceries too but it’s the kind of place that charges $17.00 for a jar of mayonaise..if you know what I mean? Anyway..I gathered all of my items and headed to the register. “Hey Jeff!” I said to the bag boy. Jeff knows me. I come here a lot for last minute dinners. “What a gorgeous day!” He says. I smiled and shook my head yes. I started to help him bag and he insisted that he would be happy to help me. “No, no! I got it. How are you feeling Mrs Doherty?” Confused I answer. “I feel great.” “Grocery shopping is probably much faster without your 4 little helpers, huh?” I giggled “there is no doubt about that”. Usually…the whole store knows when the Doherty’s have entered the building. We are like a herd going up and down the small aisles. “I have to admit..it is nice to get out alone sometimes!” I paid the cashier and Jeff insisted on helping me to the car with my groceries. I let him…why not? I popped the rear window open and grabbed one of the bags. Jeff snatched the bag from me and put it in himself “I got it.” he says. He was a sweet kid…trying to be helpful. Then he said something that I heard in slow motion….”wheeeeeeeeeennnnn arrrreeee yoooooouuuuu duuueeee annnnnyway?” I just stared at him. Shocked. Silent at first. Then I quickly tried to think of how many months pregnant I looked and when I might be due. You see…this happens to me a lot!!!! I usually just make up a due date and it is less embarrassing for everyone but this time my brain froze. I smiled a little and I am sure I was beet-red because my ears were hot. Then I finally blurt it out… “I’m not pregnant.” Jeff immediately scrambles to fix the problem. “Oh? You know what? I am mixing you up with another customer. She just found out she was having her fifth.” [thinking] “you lying sack of shit” I just look at him and I feel the tears welling up in my eyes. He puts his arm on my shoulder. “I am so sorry. I really am.” I believe him. He is embarrassed so I attempt to make him feel better. “You are not the first..don’t worry about it.” Then he continues to try and make it better but just digs a hole for himself “You are so skinny everywhere else. That’s all. You look great for having an 8 month old” [translation] “get your fat ass on the treadmill and do some sit ups” I answered “thanks.” but I wanted to die. I was mortified.
I climbed inside the truck and put my head on the steering wheel and took a deep breath. Will this ever get better? Then I got angry. He pushed the cart back towards the store and crossed right in front of my truck. I started the engine and I actually considered running him over. Then I thought about it and that little stunt would send me to prison. On the other hand, I bet if I had an all female jury they would understand and let me go??? Mmm? I drove right by him and waved like he was my best friend. Let’s face it, I’m a coward. Sigh.
I have decided that from now on, I’m gonna have fun with this embarrassing situation. St. Paddy’s day is upon us. I am a girl, who happens to still look pregnant, married to an Irishman. I will not let some silly little stomach “deformity” ruin this holiday. This year I’m wearing a tight green shirt and I will guzzle pints of Guinness like it’s my job. Look for me. I’ll be the one sitting in front of the warning sign for pregnant women behind the bar. [evil laugh]
Don’t forget to vote! Thumbs up if you like it and thumbs down if it sucked! I fixed this feature. You will be annonymous and it won’t repost the blog to facebook.