Fruit Ninja

I like to play fruit ninja.  If you have no idea what fruit ninja is then it is clear that you have a life.  All you need to know is that it is a mindless game.  You slice fruit as it flies across the iPhone screen.  Strangely addicting.  Usually I zone out.  I sometimes imagine my stomach muscles coming across the screen.  Each slice represents another c-section.  My OB is my ninja.  First a kiwi, then an orange, then a pineapple and that fourth one was a watermelon.  In  7 years I had 4 pregnancies….all c-sections. Ladies and gentlemen…that is a lot of expanding/relaxing and slicing/dicing.  My body has been stretched like a favorite pair of jeans fresh out of the dryer.   I can no longer tighten anything. I would totally be ok with all of that if I didn’t have to deal with the questions. It’s not so bad in the winter because wearing layers helps…a lot!  Yesterday we had a beautiful warm spring day in New England and I… like so many others felt the need to dip into my summer wardrobe. Huge mistake.

I found one of my favorite t-shirts.  Hello there “blue guy”. Sometimes I talk to my clothes.  Don’t tell anyone.  I haven’t worn you in 2 years but you are still my favorite.  No tags to itch my neck, the perfect length and the perfect weight, not too tight…not too loose.  I love the blue guy.   I introduced him to my new curvaceous body.  I looked in the mirror and it certainly wasn’t a perfect sight but it was acceptable.  I did my usual housework and then I decided that the day was too beautiful to be inside so I went outside and piddled.  I pulled some weeds and picked up some sticks.  Then I decided to just sit on the deck and let the sun soak into my skin.  Ahhhhh…it was a perfect day.   I dreamed about healthy things I could cook for dinner.  Oh?  Don’t get me wrong?  I love a pepperoni pizza or a juicy burger but it wasn’t one of those greasy food days.  Beautiful weather always makes me feel like I should eat healthy. I scanned through pinterest and some of my recipe apps on my iPhone and  I finally came up with a Thai chicken wrap recipe that I was excited to create.  I made a list of my ingredients and then headed to the grocery store…alone.  Something has happened to me and I now consider a solo trip to the grocery store somewhat of a spa treatment.  I can listen to loud music in the car, browse the aisles, talk on my phone and read ingredients.  A little slice of heaven if you will.

I didn’t want my grocery shopping to take all day so I went to the “fancy” grocery store only about a mile from my house.  They have all kinds of gourmet foods, a butcher, a bakery and an awesome deli.  They have regular groceries too but it’s the kind of place that charges $17.00 for a jar of mayonaise..if you know what I mean?  Anyway..I gathered all of my items and headed to the register.  “Hey Jeff!”  I said to the bag boy.  Jeff knows me.  I come here a lot for last minute dinners.  “What a gorgeous day!”  He says.  I smiled and shook my head yes.  I started to help him bag and he insisted that he would be happy to help me.  “No, no!  I got it.  How are you feeling Mrs Doherty?”  Confused I answer.  “I feel great.”  “Grocery shopping is probably much faster without your 4 little helpers, huh?”  I giggled “there is no doubt about that”.  Usually…the whole store knows when the Doherty’s have entered the building.  We are like a herd going up and down the small aisles. “I have to is nice to get out alone sometimes!”  I paid the cashier and Jeff insisted on helping me to the car with my groceries.  I let him…why not?  I popped the rear window open and grabbed one of the bags.  Jeff snatched the bag from me and put it in himself “I got it.”  he says.  He was a sweet kid…trying to be helpful.  Then he said something that I heard in slow motion….”wheeeeeeeeeennnnn  arrrreeee yoooooouuuuu duuueeee annnnnyway?”  I just stared at him.  Shocked.  Silent at first.  Then I quickly tried to think of how many months pregnant I looked and when I might be due.  You see…this happens to me a lot!!!!   I usually just make up a due date and it is less embarrassing for everyone but this time my brain froze.  I smiled a little and I am sure I was beet-red  because my ears were hot. Then I finally blurt it out… “I’m not pregnant.”  Jeff immediately scrambles to fix the problem.  “Oh?  You know what?  I am mixing you up with another customer.  She just found out she was having her fifth.” [thinking] “you lying sack of shit”  I just look at him and I feel the tears welling up in my eyes.  He puts his arm on my shoulder.  “I am so sorry.  I really am.” I believe him.  He is embarrassed so I attempt to make him feel better.  “You are not the first..don’t worry about it.”  Then he continues to try and make it better but just digs a hole for himself “You are so skinny everywhere else.  That’s all. You look great for having an 8 month old”  [translation] “get your fat ass on the treadmill and do some sit ups”  I answered “thanks.”  but I wanted to die.  I was mortified.

I climbed inside the truck and put my head on the steering wheel and took a deep breath.  Will this ever get better?  Then I got angry.  He pushed the cart back towards the store and crossed right in front of my truck. I started the engine and I actually considered running him over.  Then I thought about it and that little stunt would send me to prison.  On the other hand,  I bet if I had an all female jury they would understand and let me go???  Mmm?  I drove right by him and waved like he was my best friend.   Let’s face it, I’m a coward. Sigh.

I have decided that from now on, I’m gonna have fun with this embarrassing situation. St. Paddy’s day is upon us.  I am a girl, who happens to still look pregnant, married to an Irishman.  I will not let some silly little stomach “deformity” ruin this holiday.  This year I’m wearing a tight green shirt and I will guzzle pints of Guinness like it’s my job.  Look for me.  I’ll be the one sitting in front of the warning sign for pregnant women behind the bar.  [evil laugh]

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3 thoughts on “Fruit Ninja

  1. ooooooooooohhhh Ronda! You are way too good at this stuff! Pretty soon you will be traveling the world giving autographs [and there will be no time for creating a Thai chicken wrap (like reading that doesn’t make a working mom feel like shit???) … or playing Fruit Ninja.

  2. Ronda…… Love your short stories!! So, I started boot camp a few weeks ago and told my trainer, I really am having a hard time getting this baby belly down , what can I do and how long will it take? She quickly looks at my midriff with a quick glance up and asks” ohh how old is your baby.”.. Ummmm she turned 5 yesterday….. She looked at me as if i had two heads:) At that moment I wanted to die…. I got home and was getting ready to shower and my 5 year old walks in” mommy, when is our baby due”… Lord help me!!!! Feel you pain mom!!! Ohh and love fruit Ninja :))

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