Here I am again. I know these walls well. It’s the only place in my home that is private. The only place I can vent my emotions. The warm water comforts me as tears pour down my face. My thoughts run wild. How many more times can I be defeated? Every time I get pushed down I brush my knees off and stand tall. Sometimes I stand there and gather myself but eventually I move forward. One foot in front of the other until suddenly I am in a different place. Like so many people, I too have endured a plethora of disappointments. From a child in NICU to real estate loss, multiple unemployment stents, law suits, the loss of a pet and family to medical issues. We have lived through it all. It’s been years. Yes, I said YEARS… since I have had any kind of stability in my life. I consider myself a positive person but I am also human. I’m exhausted. I don’t understand God’s message. It seems that nothing. Absolutely nothing is going right. No matter how hard I push forward. No matter how much I celebrate the simple joys, I can’t seem to catch a break.
Suddenly, I am slapped out of my pity party by a little voice. I couldn’t see her through the steamy shower door but her voice lifted me. “Mommy? Are you in here?” I wiped away my tears and answered her “Yes baby. I’m taking a shower.” “Ok Mommy. I wait wight here for you. Ok Mommy?” “Ok sweet girl. I’ll be out in a minute.” I wiped some steam off the window and peered out at my little girl. She was sitting indian style, twiddling her hands with nervous energy. She did not know I was watching her and she did not know how much I needed her at that moment. All she wanted, was to know that I was there for her. ‘Mommy?’ she asked a few seconds later. “Yes love bug” “Are you almost done?” “Just a couple of minutes.” She repeated my words in confirmation “Mommy hold me in a couple of minutes.” “Yes, Maggie. I love you. I will hold you when I’m all done.” ‘Otay mommy.”
I turned off the shower and wrapped a towel around my body. Without hesitation I picked up Maggie and held her close as I promised. “I wuff you mommy. I tired.” I kissed her on her head and thanked God for the blessings in my life. Maybe this is the message. A reminder to love my family. These past few years have taught me one thing; unconditional love can conquer any disappointment. She snuggled her head on my shoulder and soon I felt her whole body relax. I walked in circles around my room. Swaying my hips the way moms do and gently brushing her hair behind her ear. “I’m tired too baby. I’m tired too.”
Have a great weekend everyone! Celebrate the good things in your life and rest when you need to!