I’m about to lose it. I am so tired of watching my children grab their crotch to hold back the inevitable. It feels like I am begging them to empty their bladders every 5 seconds. They do the pee pee dance while watching TV, on the soccer field, in the car, at birthday parties, waiting outside the bathroom or riding their bikes. I am constantly planning the next bathroom break for someone.
Don’t they feel the urge coming before it gets to this point? It’s becoming an epidemic in our home. There are three types of personalities that all lead to the same dance. The liar, the garden hose and the party animal.
The Liar – This is the child that never admits she has to go. Good grief this makes me crazy.
Me: “Do you need to use the bathroom?”
Teagan: “No. I’m OK.”
Me: “Then why are you grabbing your private?”
Teagan: “I’m not.”
Me: “Really?” (I point.) “Then what do you call that?”
Teagan: “Oh. I’m fixing my pants.”
Me: “Fixing your pants? (insert parental eye roll here) “Why don’t you go to the bathroom so you can fix your pants?”
Teagan: “I’m ok.”(still doing the pee pee dance)
My tone scares her and Teagan runs to the bathroom to pee!
The Garden Hose- This is the child that pees frequently and pees a lot.
Me: “Alright little people, listen up. Everyone needs to use the bathroom before we go to soccer practice.”
All kids in unison: “But we don’t have to go.”
Me: “Every single one of you WILL try to go. Now hurry up!” (Insert lots of moaning, groaning and foot stomping here)
Eventually, they all find their way to the toilet and they all manage to pee. I can’t help but feel a little victorious at this point in my day. We get in the car and drive for 5 miles (No exaggeration). I look in the rear view mirror and my son is doing the pee pee dance “rodeo style” in his seat. I am sorry but this annoys me. How is it possible? He just went to the bathroom five minutes ago.
Flynn: “Mom! I gotta go…really bad!”
Me: “No you don’t. There is no way. Are you serious?” I look in the rear view mirror and he is still bucking in his seat. I can’t pull over. We are on a busy road. So I throw an empty water bottle to the third row.
Flynn: “Thanks Mom!”
Thank goodness he was the only child in the third row because he didn’t waste anytime filling that water bottle up with urine.
Flynn: (Proud of himself for not crying wolf) “I told you I had to go Mom.” He brings the water bottle filled with pee to me while I’m driving.
Me: “Dude? Ew! What are you doing? I don’t need THAT. And..you need to buckle up. I’m driving.”
Flynn: (embarrassed) “Well? I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t want it to spill.”
Me: “What the heck am I supposed to do with it?”
He shrugs his shoulders because he has no idea. I take it and put it in the cup holder. How gross is that? Yuck! Maggie sees the bottle of pee and demands to have a sip of “apple juice”.
Me: “No, Maggie. This is not apple juice.”
All the kids laugh at Maggie’s request. Let’s face it, pee is funny to school aged kids. And apparently, the thought of someone drinking pee is hysterical.
Maggie: (Growing angry) “APP-LE JUICE Momma! Pu-weeze!”
Me: (Now I’m giggling because my life is constant chaos) “No Maggie. It’s Pee Pee, not juice.”
Maggie: (Screaming and begging. Bless her little heart.) “Apple juice Puweese.” And then she tells me I’m not a good sharer the only way a 22 month old can… “Nat not nice!”
Me: “Oh sweetheart. I am nice. I would not feel like a good Mom if I gave you your brother’s pee to drink.” The shit that falls out of your mouth as a mother is astounding at times.
We arrive at soccer practice and it was a sad scene as Maggie watched me pour a perfectly good bottle of apple juice out on the ground.
The Party Animal- This is the child that is always too wrapped up in an activity to pee.
Molly and Flynn are playing Super Mario Brothers on Wii. I walk in and Molly is doing the side step pee pee dance while she is playing.
Me: “Molly. Go to the bathroom.”
Molly: “I’m OK.”
Me: “Please pause the game and go the bathroom before you have an accident.”
Molly: “But Mom? I am on level 3.”
Me: “Pause the game!”
Molly: “Mom? You don’t understand, Flynn will keep going and he will beat me.”
I stand in front of the TV and demand that she stop playing and go to the bathroom. She drops the controller and runs full speed to the toilet. It really doesn’t matter what activity she is involved in, pee always plays second fiddle. Shouldn’t a bodily fluid be a priority?
When I think about it. Pee seems to dictate my life. I’m either begging a child to go, looking for a free minute so I can pee, washing linens saturated in pee, wiping up pee around a toilet, changing a pee diaper, emptying water bottles filled with pee, looking for a tree my son can pee behind, or setting up the car potty for the kids to pee in. It’s another one of those parental things that nobody warned me about. If you think dealing with pee ends with potty training…urine big trouble.