I recently celebrated my 38th birthday. Some of my friends get all hot and bothered by their age. Seems a little stupid to me. Enjoy 38, next year you’ll be 39. What’s up with all the drama about a number? Who cares? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not crazy about aging but I don’t dread my birthday either. My mom says that your birthday is a small space in time to celebrate you. It’s true. We should all take advantage of our special day. Own it bitches!
Ming took me out to eat at a really cool local restaurant for my birthday dinner. It was perfect. I love going out to eat. To be honest with you, the food doesn’t even have to be fantastic for me to get excited. It’s more about having the time to chew, nobody tugging on my shirt, and being served. There is nothing better than a bottle of wine and quiet conversation over dinner with my hubby. Just knowing that there is no clean up made the whole night more enjoyable.
It was one of those rare moments when I actually took the time to look nice. Let me tell you…this mamma left no stone unturned. I showered, shaved, put on a cute dress and wore make-up. I must have checked myself out in that mirror for a solid 30 minutes before I left the house that night (loser alert). Now, don’t get me wrong. I know I am no super model but at least I wasn’t a troll. I felt good. If this is 38, then I’m OK with it. When we got home from dinner I felt like a whole new person. It’s amazing what leaving the house will do for a stay at home mom. Sad but true.
That evening, I was in our bathroom washing my face and getting ready for bed when my positive attitude about aging came to a screeching halt.
It appeared out of thin air. Where the pluck did it come from? I looked in the mirror a few hours ago and there was nothing. What did I eat to cause this? Is this some kind of sick joke? A hormonal birthday gift? Why didn’t Ming tell me? He must have seen it during dinner. How could he miss it? There… staring back at me in the mirror was the nastiest chin hair I had ever seen. It had the consistency of a piece of pine straw but black in color.
I brushed my hand across my chin to see if it might fall off. “Please tell me it’s something else? A piece of food? Dirt? Anything would be better than a chin hair.” It didn’t budge and it was so coarse and sharp that I checked my finger for blood. I leaned in closer to the mirror. My heart sank to my knees. “My God. Where did it come from? It’s huge!” I panicked. I began frantically brushing my chin the way people do if they have a bug on their face. I wanted it off of my face in the worst way. “Ewwwwww! Go away, go away, go away!”
Then I heard Ming’s footsteps as he made his way toward the bedroom. “Oh no! Oh no..I must find my tweezers QUICK!” I rummaged through my make-up drawer like a total spaz and continued talking to myself. “Where are the good tweezers? I need the good ones. The ones that rip the hair sproutling out and leave nothing behind.” Ming’s footsteps were getting closer and the sound flustered me. I continued to dig for the tweezers and accidentally dropped my eye shadow and some blush onto the hard ceramic floor. “OK focus Ronda, FOCUS!” I hear Ming open the bedroom door and I simultaneously lock the bathroom door. “Shit!” I am on a mission to pluck this hair before he sees it. I dig a little more. “Ahhh ha! Yes, there they are! Finally! My favorite tweezers!” A calm takes over my body. I take a slow deep breath then proceed to complete the mission.
I lean toward the mirror and line the tweezers up for the extraction. I begin the pre-pluck count. “OK. Here we go. 1, 2…” [knock knock] Ming has arrived. “Hey? You almost done?” My heart is racing but I stay on task “3!” I pull as hard as I can and rip that sucker out with one swoop. There is no time to waste. Then I answer Ming “Ummm? Just a minute. I’m washing my face.”[LIAR!] I turn on the water and let it run as I check out my chin. I reassure myself that it’s gone. “Awwwww…holy shit! I got it!” My eyes are watering. My gosh! That sucker meant business Do chin hairs embed into the bone or something? Why do they make my eyes water? I finally splash some water on my face and I do one final inspection. Sneaky little bastards. Once they break the skin they grow at alarmingly fast speeds. It scares me. I wonder if that thing grew during dinner. I swear it wasn’t there earlier in the night. I would have noticed. I put the tweezers away and opened the door.
Ming was waiting on the other side. I stepped out of the bathroom and bumped into his chest as he walked in. “Oh geez. Sorry. I didn’t mean to run you over” . He looks at me and he knows something’s up. “What are you doing in there?” I can’t lie to the man’s face so I blurt it out. “Pulling a damn chin hair! Why didn’t you tell me? You must have seen it at dinner?” He is confused and wondering why I am attacking him. “What? You had a whisker? Where?” “Oh nevermind..it’s gone now!” Disgusted with the night’s ending, I climbed in the bed and got cozy under the blankets. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It really shocked me. It popped up out of the blue. Then I yelled to Ming through the bathroom door “38 sucks. I pulled a chin whisker today. I want to vomit. Apparently I’m half man.” He opened the bathroom door and laughed at how disturbed I was feeling. In an effort to make me feel somewhat normal again, he rubbed his belly. “Yup! Getting old is a bitch. Happy Birthday babe. Goodnight.” “Yeah…I guess so. Goodnight.”
Almost everything slows down or droops as you get older. Strangely, I was mentally prepared for that. Nobody warned me about the whiskers. They are fast and sneaky. A few years ago I called them random chin hairs. Now they aren’t so random . I know they are coming, I just never know when. Oh well. I don’t know why you men are secretly judging me. You actually have it worse. I think these pictures say it all.
I guess we can’t stay young forever. It was my 38th birthday when I finally understood all the drama about aging. Pin this badge on Pinterest if you find yourself plucking unwanted whiskers. We must stick together!