Here’s my number, so text me maybe?

Why the hell are there still people in the world who refuse to text?  They conveniently  blame it on their flip phone yet never upgrade when given the opportunity.  They all seem to chant the same things like “I like to hear a real voice every once in a while.” or “My keypad is too small.” and “Isn’t it easier to just pick up the phone?”  Now…I am a huge fan of texting but there are some people out there that ruin it for the rest of us.   I think we can all agree on 3 types of texters that give all texters a bad rap.

1: The Obvious Faker– this is the texter that consistently ignores phone calls but will text you back within seconds claiming he is in a “meeting”?  Dude….not cool and….. nobody believes that you are in that many meetings.  Give me a break.

2: The Novel Writer– You know the people I am talking about.  “Oh look my cell phone is having a seizure?”  I get excited and run to see the message and then quickly realize that it’s just Jane again.  Texting a novel that is so long it got broken into 7 texts.  Now I am forced  to piece together what she is trying to say because for some reason AT&T sent me the last sentence first. A voice mail would make me hate you less.  Just sayin.

3.The Obnoxious Abbreviater– OMG, LOL, LYLAS, BBFN, TTYL, K, BFF , SUP, IDK….I could go on 4ever!  This one can be painfully annoying.  Almost as annoying as trying to figure out Twitter????  Some of these actually stress me out.  I find myself Googling shit that isn’t even a word because I’m embarrassed to ask what the sequence of letters mean????   #just write the words you lazy asshole.

Aside from all the annoying texters, there is still a very functional world of texting out there.  It  is the fastest and easiest way to get a message to someone, especially if your house is a constant 3 ring circus like mine.  Who invented texting anyway?  What a genius!  I would so leave my husband right now for him/her.  Ok…not for a “her” but for a “him”.  Yes.  I would. (Just kidding honey.  I would never leave you for a  multi-million dollar text inventor.)

Oh my…it  just….it just tastes SOOO damn good!

Ha ha!  I love that money hungry chick.   Anyway…where was I?  Ah yes.  I love to text.  It allows me to think before I speak and  I can actually complete my thoughts.  I need help in both areas so this is a win-win for me.  And without it, communicating becomes a chore.  It becomes something on my list of things to do.  Quite frankly and without sounding rude, I don’t need another god forsaken thing on my To-Do list.  Every year I pray my kids will learn what phone etiquette means and every year I am disappointed heart broken .   Chin up people!   At least I have pinpointed the problem.   It seems that they do not understand that when a phone is on my ear….it means that I am trying to hear something???  I have provided a detailed  example (see below) of what  happens when I attempt to make a real phone call.

I think to myself.  “I would really like to talk to my mother.” I look around.  There are no children in sight and the house is quiet.   [the phone rings] “Hello?”   “Hi mom.  It’s me. Sorry it took me so long to return your call.  The house has been crazy.”  [always understanding] “That’s quite alright.  How are you today?”  “I’m good.”  “Listen.  I just wanted to ask you a quick question.”  [Then a herd of foot stomping and crying gets closer and closer]  I walk into another room picking up the pace so they can’t find me.  [it’s as if the chaos emerged out of thin air] Teagan is crying a fake cry and screaming my name.  “Moooooooom?”   “Moooooom!!!  Flynn hit me!” Flynn is close behind and is defending himself with every accusation.    “I did NOT hit.[he has a guilty smirk]  I lightly tapped her.  She is being a baby.” [Teagan cries louder]  “I’m not a baby!  I’m a big gurl!”  “Oh yeah…then why are you crying?  Baby!”  [More tears] I walk away from them and hide. They find me crouched in the corner of the dining room.  They see that I am on the phone and I put my finger over my mouth as to say “Shhhh!”   So they lower their voices but continue arguing?????  [Then I hear my mom on the other end of the phone trying to get my attention] “Hello?  Are you still there?”  “Oh yes!  I’m so sorry.” [kids are tugging on my clothes and pushing each other]  “Can you hang on for one second mom?”  “Sure”  I put the phone down, make eye contact with both kids and say in a very soft evil voice.  “Stop!  I am on the phone!”  I make sure they see my eyes and I stare right through them.  Again, I repeat using my best scary mom whisper.  “STOP!”

Best used when in public places or while on the phone

For a few seconds the room is silent.  They know they are in trouble.  I use my hand to sweep them away into another room.  Is there anything more embarrassing than the sound of WWIII in the background while you are trying to have a simple conversation on the telephone?  Geez.  “Sorry mom!  Anyway…I forgot what I was saying.”  “Not a problem.  Why don’t you call me when things quiet down.”  [Newsflash!  That is never.  Sadly, the only chance of a real conversation is when they are sleeping] “Ok.  Love you!”  I hang up the phone and feel defeated.  What has happened to my brain?  I sit and think for a good 20 minutes about the point of my phone call? What is wrong with me?  I can’t remember anything anymore.  I do some household chores and while I am loading the dishwasher,  it finally comes to me.  I frantically grab my cell phone and text my mom the question that I originally called her for.  “What is the recipe for your famous homemade relish?”  She responds “I’ll email it to you.”  I take a deep breath.  Finally! I accomplished something [even if that “something” was a message]. Don’t judge.  Another fine example of how texting can improve your life. It brings a small piece of sanity to my insane world, so text me maybe?

5 thoughts on “Here’s my number, so text me maybe?

  1. I have the same issues I gave up talking on the phone a while ago. Texting is annoying to because my baby loves to hit the phone so I am constantly sending have finished messages or made up ones!
    Great post

  2. I never ever consider other people’s minutes. I truly assume it is unlimited if you have a phone these days. Whoops. I have had two relatives recently tell me it costs them .30 every time I send them a text, or pic of their grandchild. As in, stop doing that. I felt like buying them the unlimited plans myself, or sending a check in a card each month, . . . And also wondering why .30/priceless, precious photo was a lot, especially when I could never have cost more than $3/month tops! LOL

  3. When did I have time to write this blog?!! In my half-sleep? Oh, wait, you spied on me and wrote for me. Hmmm, no, you just happen to actually experience and “get” it. This is EXACTLY why I make almost zero phone calls and have grown to love and appreciate texting. I used to find it sucky. People can SAY they understand or don’t mind if you call with kids in the background, but they don’t realize you cannot put more than 10% attention into the phone call once something starts to happen at home, even if it turns out to be something silly. Or, that in some bizarre way, my daughter can be across the house, playing happily, and I feel partially safe enough to attempt a brief work phone call, only to have someone answer and at the same time hear Jones right at my feet asking who I am talking to and so forth. They always say the same thing, “Ooooh, I hear a little one!” — on the home end of that call, it means I have already forgotten half the reason for the phone call and will now be running interference for myself while on the call, just to attempt to appear like I am still a normal, thinking member of society. My friends, clients, co-workers, etc. can all be as understanding as they want, but I am not calling them for their own benefit as well as mine. Just text me, please. I still love you the same. 😉

  4. I went over on my texting minutes so many times that I finally broke down and purchased the unlimited plan. I’m not sure but I think I saved money in the long run (at least that’s what I tell the hubby).
    I always know when I am texting someone who is low on minutes. They don’t respond and then quickly send an email. LOL

  5. I love to text. Except it is so darn expensive. Texting vs. paying for kid crap. Well, you know what ends up winning!

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