This post is for all the men who bottom feed on my blog. I am taking 1 day to write a post to all you boys out there who have sent me top-secret emails and texts to tell me that “shhhhh…I read your blog”. Don’t worry I will not make you forfeit your man card. I will not blow your cover. Today I am here to help. This is my Mother’s day 101, a tutorial for all men. A day when wives all over America are reminded of how selfless and attractive their husbands can be when they actually try. If you are “that guy” who does Mother’s day the right way..me and every other woman married to a “ming” secretly hate you. The rest of you Neanderthals should keep reading.
If you listen to Mrs. Doherty she will help you get laid. Trust me! I am your Yoda. “get you sex I will”. I am going to let all you men in on a little secret on what every mom in America wants for Mother’s day. Don’t take this the wrong way. I’m just being honest. She doesn’t want to go to a crowded brunch or look at a bouquet of flowers. She wants to get the hell away from you and all of her children without feeling guilty about it. I know. Shocking. I mean it’s Mother’s day and shouldn’t we want to spend it with those that call us “mom”? Well…the world has brainwashed our kids to think so and our husbands use this to their advantage. “Mom? What should we all do on Sunday?” “Mom? Did you call for a brunch reservation?” “Mom? What should we wear to brunch?” “Mom, can you cut little Johnny’s waffle?” You get the idea. It’s just not relaxing. 364 days a year we do everything for everyone except ourselves. Mother’s day should be our one true day off. All we need from our husbands is to pick up the slack so we can be free. Think of it as a day away from the office and returning with no piles of work to catch up on. Wouldn’t that be nice?
This will be a special day from the very beginning because her first gift is one that will set the tone for the entire day. Sleep. Set your alarm because you must actually listen, hear and acknowledge when the baby cries at 6:30am. I know you usually sleep through it but remember…today is special. In fact…just sleep in the guest room so she doesn’t have to hear the alarm or your horrendous snoring. As the other children wake up..feed them and keep them away from your wife. This will require you to be aware of where the children are at all times. [Warning: they will be confused and repeatedly attempt to wake her up.] Be strong and remember the best offense is a good defense.
You may find that you are annoyed tip toeing around the house and repeatedly asking the children to use their inside voices. (let’s face it..if anyone understands..we do) Take advantage of the down time to sneak in a few household chores. For example, you could empty the clean dishes out of the dishwasher…. not just the ones you needed for breakfast. You wouldn’t want the sink to pile up with dirty dishes on your wife’s special day now would you? HELLO? If the house gets trashed on Mother’s Day it’s not really a day off for her. She will spend all day Monday cleaning up your mess…AGAIN..and swearing at you under her breath .
When your wife wakes up you can greet her with breakfast and a handful of cards . Homemade cards will melt her heart and one from her husband will show that you thought of her in advance. How sweet! [tip: make sure you write something don’t just underline what Hallmark said]. Then…just as she finishes her delicious breakfast you can give her the second gift…TIME. Gather all of the children, get them dressed and take them away. I would suggest going out for some lunch and taking the car to get washed [reference past blog “What happened?”]. Kids love to do that and I bet it needs it. Let her have a shower without children beating on the door and get dressed at her own pace. If you are gone long enough she may even catch up on her DVR’d shows.(a girl can dream)
When you get home..give her the car keys and let her enjoy her third gift PAMPERING. Perhaps she would enjoy taking her hair out of a pony tail and having a salon trim the split ends or maybe she needs someone to rub some lotion on her cracked hands and paint her nails [reference past blog “Pedicure”] . I think she might need to buy herself a new outfit. Ya know…one that doesn’t have spit up on the left shoulder and kids hand prints on the pants. Whatever her story is…send her out of the home to do something for herself. Repeat…for herself.
When she returns home to her clean house, do not question her on how many bags she is holding or how much she spent. No..no.. that would be bad…very, very bad! And who cares? She is worth it. Besides..remember how many times you went golfing last summer? She probably spent less money and less time shopping. What’s the matter? Are the kids driving you crazy? Are they destroying every room you clean as soon as you think you’ve finished? The baby wouldn’t nap? Can’t seem to find a minute to yourself? Hang in there…your day is almost over. This is the hour of the day when mom’s all over the world are counting down the minutes until bed time. And because she lives this moment every single day, I know she will completely appreciate that you thought of a dinner idea and prepared it…all by yourself! If you need a little break, this is a moment when she might enjoy reading to the kids while you clean up the dishes. I know you will want to collapse at this point, but think about the big smile she will give you when you open a fine bottle of wine for her to enjoy in peace while you bathe the children and tuck them in [reference past blog: “Sunday Night Lobster Boil”].
As she drinks her fourth gift wine… she will think about her day and convince herself that she is indeed the luckiest woman in the world. It’s a slam dunk boys! She may even take the time to update her FB status and brag about you. After you tuck the kids in…join your wife for a nice glass of wine together. I know you will be tired but suck it up. This is how she feels every single day. Pretend you’re not tired. Trust me….women have the “Honey, I’m never too tired for you” down to a science. Enjoy this moment fellas….it’s time to relax…your day of giving will finally pay off. You will be her Christian Grey. It’s the one day a year that your wife will feel like she is 25 again. She will not have black circles under her eyes, she will be showered, her hair and nails will be perfect and she will be dreaming about her new clothes . With each glass of wine she will find you more and more attractive. Mother’s day should not be a day you boys dread. Afterall, it’s a win-win for the whole family. Start preparing now.