I have moments when I realize that I really have no life.  You see..I got a new pair of slippers for Christmas.  The fact that I got seriously excited about slippers was my first issue.  Now it is March and well…I blew a hole in my fabulous Christmas gift.  Perhaps I should leave the house every once in a blue moon or buy a few pair and rotate them?   At any rate.. yesterday, I found myself walking around without my slippers.  This caused me to look at my feet.  Oh my!  Let’s just say…the winter was not kind to them.  I decided I needed a pedicure….stat!  Perfect.  A great excuse to get out of the house.  My husband watched the munchkins and off I went.

I went to my usual place.  It is fabulous.  I love that nobody speaks English. It’s peaceful.  No need for small talk.  Ok…that’s not entirely true.  I know they speak some English because every time I walk in the door they say ” Aaa..hello? Pick a cala.”  And so I listen and pick a color.  I love picking the color.  The color names are fun.  Sometimes I get carried away [shocking I know] and read the labels on the bottom of each jar until I find the most hilarious one.  Seriously?  Who has that job?  I want to be the girl who thinks of names of nail polish colors.  Today’s color was “the thrill of Brazil”.

The staff picks where they want me to sit and begin filling the water where my feet will soak .  It’s like an airplane seat.  You take your assigned seat and pray your neighbors aren’t annoying or stinky.  I look left.  She is reading a magazine and doesn’t acknowledge me.  I look right.  She is smiling ear to ear. “It’s a perfect spring day for a pedi, isn’t it?”  [Thinking] “oh boy.  I’m screwed.  Why must I have the seat next to chatty Kathy?”  I just smiled, grabbed a stack of magazines and put my feet in the warm water like a good soldier.  Ahhhh….I’m out of the house and enjoying a little me-time.  It feels like I have officially “clocked out”.  Life is good.  I close my eyes and listen to the zen yoga music.

I try to zone out but then the 50 year old chatter box starts again.  She is literally trying to have a conversation with a man who really only speaks limited English.  I have no idea what his real name is but his name tag said George.  George?  That doesn’t fit.  It made me giggle. They probably pick American names that are easy just like I picked Rita in my Spanish class. “I bet you guys have been busy this week with all the warm weather?”  He shakes his head yes even though he has no clue what she is saying.  I close my eyes again.  Then I wake up to the sound of the chiseling.  I open my eyes and George is going to town on what appeared to be a dried apricot stuck to the bottom of her heel. 

Hey…I’m not judging.  Probably her first pedi of the season but holy cow!  Ok…I close my eyes quickly so I don’t stare.  She is doing the right thing.  She is here and taking care of the problem. I don’t know what is going on but I hear more chiseling and then George gets up from his seat.  I open my eyes. And chatty Kathy starts again..”I got a stubborn callus that he is working on.”  Umm…Yes…apparently you do.  Seriously?  How am I supposed to respond.  “Aw.  The winter dries everybody’s skin.”  I said.  I don’t know?  I was trying to make her feel normal even though that dried apricot growth was NOT normal.  Just saying.  George comes back with a sandwich bag filled with hot wax or something?  I don’t know  what it was but he slapped it on her apricot and tied the bag around her foot to let it sizzle that thing off.  What a professional!  Bringing out the big guns.  Nice!  I was impressed.  Then I asked.  “Does that hurt?”  “not a bit” said chatty Kathy.  “Is it hot?” I inquire.  “I don’t feel a thing.”  I was intrigued.  I had never seen that method of de-callusing a heel before. What was I thinking? Of course it didn’t hurt her.  She could probably walk through a parking lot on July 4th in South Carolina without flinching. That sucker was solid.

I was about to start reading my magazine and enjoy my foot massage when Kathy decided to inform everyone in the room her secret home remedy to get rid of calluses.  “Did you ladies know that if you buy a small tub of Mentholatum from the drug store and apply it to your feet every night you will not have a callus problem?  Your feet will be smooth as butter.” 

[thinking] “Yo?  Apricot?  Why are you giving advice?”  Then George speaks and I realize…he knows English.  He stops with the pedicure and he looks at Kathy and says “Your home remedy no come see me..I fix you better.”  OMG!  Hilarious.  [thinking]  ” Please don’t laugh…do not laugh.”  I managed to hold back an audible laugh but I was cracking up in my head.  I glanced at the other women in the room all of which were giggling but trying not to.  I’m not sure which made me laugh more.  The fact that George speaks English or that he was so brutally honest. Then Kathy defends herself . “Well?  I didn’t use it this winter but I have used it in the past and it works great.”  George smiles. I tried to make her feel better and said “Well?  It might work but this is the only way I get out of the house so I will stick to the pedicure.”    George takes off the sandwich bag and peels off the hot wax and I’m telling ya…the apricot nearly vanished.  I think she would get the official you can “wear sandals now” approval.  Nice work George.

She walked over and sat in the drying station and found a new neighbor to sell her Mentholatum remedy to.  Wow..she is persistent.  It made myself and all the others sitting in the pedicure chairs laugh.  Her new crowd had no idea that she walked into the salon with an apricot.  Kathy was gonna sell that home remedy to someone.  Ladies?  Check your heels.  Do you have a dried apricot?  If you would like to get out of your winter slippers and into some flip flops, my friend Kathy suggests Mentholatum.  Give it a whirl. If doesn’t work George will fix you up real nice for the beach.  Damn it’s a lot of work getting old.


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10 thoughts on “Pedicure

  1. Thanks for not spelling chatty Kathy with an “i” ! Love reading your blog on the weekends with a hot cup of coffee! I too have only had one pedi that I can remember! But I LOVE collecting OPI nail polish!

  2. you made my day! thanks for the compliment. I’ll know I made it big time when my blog is grouped with a “sammich”, a cold beer and a trip to the beach.

  3. I got this while at work and couldn’t wait to get home, sit outside with some wiine and laugh….THANKS! I love your posts!

  4. And yes. My mother & I have talked about the nail polish names quite frequently. Especially O•P•I names. Fun times. 😉

  5. This post very well may be for those who have gotten more pedicures than they have given, heh. As I have only had one my whole life. Yet, I must tell you..dropping out of Cosmetology school looked a whole lot better a lot of times than having to give those pedicures. The things you see…WoW. To this day I won’t work in a Day Spa type salon OR one that offers any type of pedicures as I am afraid the next one walking in the door might her assigned to me… Yikes!!!

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