Typically I don’t like being bossed around but I have certain friends who know what they are talking about. Jessica is one of these friends.
A few days ago she told me to go buy Chelsea Handler’s new book. ”You will laugh. It’s hysterical.” she said. I didn’t really need much more than that. I like to laugh. What can I say? I’m an easy sell. So today I did it. I went to an unnamed bookstore to buy my own personal copy.
I started off in a great mood. I was so excited to get my new funny book. I had 2/4 of my little people in tow so I walked right up to the help desk. The lady behind the desk looked like a stereotypical librarian. She was a senior wearing a calf length skirt with a button up blouse from the 80′s. Her hair was pulled back into a bun and a pair of reading glasses hung on a chain around her neck.
She was chatting it up with some of the other employees when I walked up. “May I help you?” she asked in a slightly bitchy tone. I scanned the help desk for someone younger who might appreciate Chelsea Handler but sadly there was no one. “Yes. I am looking for Chelsea Handler’s latest book please.” Jessica would be so proud of me right now! (I thought to myself.) The librarian lady looked at me like I said something terribly wrong. I watched as she put on her glasses and began typing.
“Chelsea huh?” she inquired.
“Yes. Chelsea Handler. It’s an autobiography,I believe.”
“Oh. I know her.” She responded with some degree of disappointment. “Which book do you want?” She buried her face in the computer screen.
Think fast…which one do I want? Hmmm? Which one do I want? Then I blurted out something that always makes me look really, really smart.
She glared at me. It was uncomfortable, so I filled the silence.
“Which ever one is the most recent?”
She fired back an immediate question. “Do you know the title?”
Dang it, of course not…I don’t know anything except that I am here to buy a funny Chelsea book. Crap. Now what do I do?
“Can you read the titles to me? Maybe something will ring a bell?”
She took a deep breath. She was annoyed. She lost patience with me for no real reason. Now I hate her. “Well. Let’s see. She has a few books…”(dramatic pause as she rolled her eyes) “They all have very interesting titles. My Horizontal Life, Are you there Vodka? It’s me Chelsea, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang, and Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me. Do any of those ring a bell?”
“Ummmmmm….no. Not really.”
She rolls her eyes at my ignorance and suggests that I follow her to the autobiography section. Annnnd….can I just say that for an overweight, elderly woman…she walks fast as hell. Her shoulders were back, her chest was out and she walked with authority. My kids looked like pull toys as I dragged them behind me to keep up with our fearless leader.
“Thank You!“ I said when we arrived to the Chelsea section completely out of breath.
She glanced down at the books and then at my children and then shook her head in disapproval as she walked away back to the help desk. I watched her walk away and found myself irritated. “Go back to your chicken coop you nasty old hen.” I muttered under my breath. My five year old brought me back to reality “What mommy? What did you say?”
“Oh nothing honey. I’m just thinking out loud”
Anyway, I grabbed my book and let the girls each pick out something for themselves and we made our way to the register. Of course, by the time we actually get there, the line is a mile long. Eventually we find our way to the front of the line. ”Next please.” says the voice behind the counter. We carefully grab all of our goods and place them up on the counter and that’s when I made eye contact with the cashier. Oh no! It’s the librarian AGAIN. I can’t seem to escape her.
“Hello again.” She greets me in a very unwelcoming way.
“Hello.” I answered in a monotone voice.
She scans each book and gives me her opinion on each one. Obviously, she is trying to play nice grandma. “Aw, Elmo. Who likes Elmo?” She asks both of my girls. Maggie claps and raises one hand proudly, “Meeeee!” she squeals. We all smile. Then she addresses Teagan. “And this princess book must be yours?” Tea nods politely.
Then she scans Chelsea’s book and her whole attitude changes. Umm? Where the heck did Granny go? I wondered.
“Do you like HER?” she points to the photo on the front.
“Yes. I do. She is hilarious. I have never read her stuff but my friend told me I would love it and I absolutely love her show.”
She tries to change my mind and blurts out her opinion. “She is rude! Very rude! I don’t like her.”
Come on now lady. Why do you want to ruin things for me? The rage built up inside me. I don’t know what happened. I’ve never met Chelsea. I don’t know anyone that knows her. I’m a fan but not a stalker. I have no reason to be furious that this woman insulted her except that I felt like she was judging someone who often brings me happiness.
I defended Chelsea like she was a family member that I adored.
“Why would you say that? How is she rude? I think you are mistaking her humor for rudeness.”
“Oh no. First of all, she’s not funny.”
I interrupted “Yes she is!”
She retaliated “No, no she’s not!”
I talked over her. (Since we are talking about rudeness and all) “Yes she is!”
“Excuse me.” (She gives a very dramatic pause) “She was asked to do the Today show and apparently she thought she was too good for them and decided not to show up.”
Now, keep in mind that I have no idea if this ever happened. I have no idea if it’s a lie or if it’s true but I wasn’t going to let the librarian talk bad about my girl.
“Oh please. That was such a rumor!” Now I’m talking out of my ass at this point. Completely making shit up to defend my new BFF, Chelsea Handler. I continue with my rant “She had no idea she was scheduled to go to that show. Her publicist scheduled that and it was a big mix up! A huge mix up is all it was! She wasn’t rude. She was unaware.” Hey? Sounds good to me???
The librarians jaw dropped as she gave me the receipt. “Oh No. I don’t think so. They said she knew and she just didn’t care. She thought she was too big for the Today show.”
“Puuuleease. No, no no, no no! That is all a complete lie!” (ha ha…um speaking of lies) “Chelsea is funny and ya know what…she stays up really late working!” Definitely a lame come back but that’s all I could think of at the time. I grabbed my bag, my kids and my attitude and started walking out the door and that old hen had to get the last word in.
Some of the other customers are giggling at our bantering. I never turned around as the automatic doors opened but as I stepped into the parking lot I yelled “No she’s not!” just before the doors closed. Seriously…what is that ladies problem?
I was buckling the girls in the car when a customer saw me in the parking lot. She made sure I knew where she stood with the argument. “I love Chelsea too by the way.” We both giggled. I don’t know what just happened in that book store but I bet if Chelsea knew about it she would be